Hi reader,

While you have opened the link and landed on this blog, but still there is something in your mind. It could be good, maybe a new achievement or milestone accomplishment, or maybe some concerning, like some result awaited, or payments pending, or awaiting replies from the interviews or from the people you care about, or maybe something not good and disturbing you inside-out, heartbreak, dream shattering, cheating or loss of a relationship/friendship or maybe something else that is running in your mind right now. And in the midst of all that, all you wish for someone (that one person) who just could be a listener, who doesn’t interrupt you while speaking, who doesn’t judge your situation or actions, who doesn’t give opinions or suggestions of what to do and just LISTEN.

Being humans, we have the ability to be able to communicate with each other and the intellect to help each other out in the tough times. And this is why we always have things in mind to share (even the introverts have things in mind that do want to bring out). It can be easy for some to share while a nightmare for others, but no one can deny that they have nothing running in their mind that they wish to share or talk about. Even this blog is nothing but a way to bring the things out of my mind to people who are interested to read about the same.

It’s not just a human thing, to talk out their mind, it also has significant importance. Ever felt the amount of relaxation after meeting an old friend after years, and talking. Or, sharing the problems with your inner circle, how relaxing it feels, or leave this all, the relief we feel while talking to our mothers, especially when she is working in the kitchen? It’s priceless, isn’t it? I’m not sure which hormone is secreted by which gland when this happens, but certainly, there must be some scientific explanation for this as well. Talking about our issues does feel better.

Even though the importance of sharing is so high, there are certain challenges around how and with whom you are sharing. And here, we are talking about the listeners. Listening, in a very generic term, may be referred to as hearing something. Although, it is not.

Hearing is the “process, function, or power of perceiving sound; specifically: the special sense by which noises and tones are received as stimuli.”

Listening, on the other hand, means “to pay attention to sound; to hear something with thoughtful attention; and to give consideration.”

“To hear something with thoughtful attention” Does it really happens? This is where the problem is, the reason why people would choose being in the problem rather than sharing, and why we have more and more introverts. Earlier, it was a saying that, ‘Not everyone cares’, which has changed into, ‘Mostly won’t care’, and it won’t be a surprise to see, ‘Nobody cares!’.

With some experience, I have categorized the listeners into these three categories:

1. Type 1 – It is okay, and will get better. Don’t overthink.
2. Type 2 – You are worries with that much, let me share.
3. Type 3 – …<Listens>…

When you are in some problem, there may be a bottleneck situation. However, when you try to share, the listener just doesn’t care much. Instead, you feel judged. I remember such an incident, which I may have mentioned in one of the blogs. I was talking to my friends about one problem. All I heard from them, is why you think that we will be there and will be able to comfort you. It is not such an issue, that you feel that way, and you are just overthinking. Imagine how it feels to listen to this from your inner circle?

Another one, which happens the most, is when someone is talking and sharing what he/she is going through, and the other interrupts, saying, leave that, listen to this <Blah> <Blah> <Blah>, now say. If the first person was actually in that state of mind to help others, why would they be talking in the first place itself? This happens a lot nowadays, as everyone has problems and wants to talk about. However, they forget the basic point of what makes a conversation into a debate, cutting off each other sentences. Can you really share and expect someone to listen, when it is more of a debate of who is suffering more than a conversation?

But, in all situations, there will always be that one person, who will just exist there, and listen, without judging and suggesting anything, or interrupting in between to break the flow of conversation. They will just stay, listen to the whole story, and affirm that they understand what you are going through, don’t feel alone in that. They will assure you that they exist and can be called upon anytime. It is tough to find such people at times but they always exist. 

From what I have observed, people don’t belong to just one of these categories in general, but they belong to just one of them at a particular moment. You might have experienced that at some moment you feel better while talking to X person, however, the next time you may not find that support or comfort. Instead, you find it in some Y person. This is because each listener has their own state of mind as well. They can be a good listener at one moment (Type 3), but when they are all good, they may behave like Type 1, or maybe when they are themselves in some trouble, they may be a Type 2 listener.

To the future generations, you can understand how tough it can be to talk yourself out when needed. And this will keep getting tough. A solution is very basic. What can be done, is simply to become the person you will seek for those times. Be a good listener first to others, so they can be good listeners to you when you need help. Now the hard question is how to be a good listener? 

To be a good listener is very simple yet very tricky. Have you ever been to the mountains? Or at a seashore or riverside? Have you ever listened to the breezes? Or the sea waves? Or the sound of the flowing river? What do you do there to listen to them? You clear your mind, don’t think of anything, don’t check your mobile phones, don’t interrupt, and be completely present at the moment. The same you have to do while you are listening to someone in trouble. Don’t interrupt, don’t pass comments/suggestions/judgments, don’t look at mobile phones, be completely present, lean in, and just listen. It is that simple.

Here is a beautiful guide with illustrations (piano one is my favorite!) from the New York Times on how to be a good listener. If you want to read more, do refer here.

Be safe, happy, and healthy. Thing will fall in place.

Cheers!
Navneet